(no subject)

Dear Library-

I'm glad I got to visit you this week. It'd been much too long since we've seen each other, and I wanted to write you to say I'd missed you,[1] and that, of all places, you'll always be my first and truest love.

Oh, sure, we've had our spats; I've kept your books for longer than I promised. You've sent serious men with rubber hoses[2] to collect the fines. I don't call or visit as much as I should, and sometimes it seems like you're not as available as you could be. But if we try, we can work around all that.

I'm not saying it'll be perfect. Sure, I'll have brief flirtations with art galleries and movie theaters, and I'll dally with the occasional convenient bookstore. I'll even confess to having had an on-again off-again long-distance thing with Amazon. But those were just shipments passing in the night.[5]

For your part, you'll always have somewhat bewildering hours and weekly schedules[6]. And I'll never understand your self-destructive propensity to attract the homeless. But we both know those are just details. We can make this work. And thanks to your new emailed reminder notices, you know I'll always come back to you.

At least every two weeks or so.

[1]I would've waved goodbye on the way out, if it hadn't been for that armload of sci-fi. I'm sure you understand.

[2]Or the email equivalents thereof.[3]

[3]Which reminds me, your minions in New Orleans are a little too serious about those fines. I had a pack of angry librarians chasing me down Decatur street last time I was there, yelling something about "Death by a thousand papercuts." I think they were being literal.[4]

[4]Get it? Librarians? Literal? Eh? Eh? I don't understand, you used to love puns...

[5]Sorry. I couldn't help that one.

[6]I think holidays are the precise times a library should be open, honestly.

(no subject)

Still sick. The plague is apparently attacking the part of my brain that influences my taste in movies. So of course I'm watching Ultraviolet online.

This is an impressively bad movie. I mean, some movies just have bad elements that ruin the whole thing; bad cinematography, or bad casting, or bad special effects, and you watch them, and you find yourself saying things like "Well, I liked the surprise ending," or "That guy they cast as the villain was perfect for the part," like the movie was a person who just embarrassed themself and you're trying to cheer him up about it.

Not this movie. If a normal bad movie is like someone who walked around all day with their fly open, this movie is the guy who did too much acid, shaved half his head, and danced his way down main street, naked and covered in Ben-Gay and Fruit Loops, singing "It's A Small World After All."[1]. And then someone put it up on youtube.

You really just have to stand back and watch it go by to appreciate how awesomely bad it is. The special effects are bad, the dialogue's bad, the plot must've been ghostwritten by a drunken fifth-grader with ADD, the action scene choreographer needs a course in remedial physics, and the set and costume designers should be forced to read something besides Vogue and Elle at least once before they die. I managed not to notice the music, but I think that's just because my senses were shutting down in self-defense. The whole thing feels like someone got insanely jealous of Aeon Flux and The Matrix, got drunk and fell asleep while watching the Bollywood Channel, and the next morning woke up, staggered over to the computer, and banged out a script before anyone could tackle them.

The saving grace is that the camera spends like 75% of its time focused on Milla Jovovich's face. Even some of the action scenes. Seriously, there's one scene, she's surrounded by guys with guns pointed at her head, and the camera cuts to her face. She moves her eyes back and forth, her sunglasses change color (which happens a lot; I dunno why), there're a couple of slicey-swishy sound effects, and the bad guys just fall down. I dunno, maybe narcolepsy was part of the plot that I missed. Maybe they ran out of money towards the end of filming, and this was less complicated to film than the earlier fight scene, where she'd hit bad guys and broken bits of plates would fall out of their jackets. Like ceramic plates. Apparently the bad guys were carrying around dinnerware for some reason. I stopped asking "Why?" around that point.

So really, this is a movie about A) how pretty Milla Jovovich is[2], and B) how drunk the special effects team can get before anyone notices. If I still drank, this would be a drinking game movie. Like "Every time you hear Newton spinning in his grave, take a shot." It could also be C) "The Evil Overlord's Visual Guide on What Your Minions Should't Do."[3]

In other news, I can feel myself getting better. Seriously, my throat's fine now, but my sinuses are totally shut down. Which means that awesome voice I had earlier? Now more suited to childrens' cartoons. Oh well.

EDIT: I just finished the movie. At least I think I did. It actually got worse as we went along. Gloriously worse. Their swords caught on fire at one point, because... uhm... well, I dunno, really. I could've sworn it ended about three times before this, but then again I'm just an optimistic kind of guy. Anyway, it stopped, and I'm grateful for that, but honest to god I have no idea what happened or why.

[1]And there really aren't that many dances that go with that song. Especially if you're naked.

[2]Which is great. You'll get no argument from me on that point. I've been impressed as hell with Milla since Kuffs, and I actually liked her album a lot. I'd watch her read a phone book for two hours, especially if the alternative was sitting through the ending of G.I. Joe again.

[3]C'mon, guys. Ranged weapons. Don't rush the chick with the swords if there are ten of you with guns. You're so fired if I catch you doing that again.

(no subject)

Oh yeah. I'm sick.

When I first got sick (yesterday), I thought it could've been tonsillitis, based on the complex medical analysis of "Well, that's the only place the pain's coming from." So I walked around scavenging cough drops until it occurred to me that the only thing I knew about tonsillitis was A) how to spell it[1] and B) where it took place. I felt as if I should learn more.

Having read the available information[2], I'm still unsure what it is. I have decided, arbitrarily, that it can't be tonsillitis, because A) I've got a stuffy nose as well[3], and B) I can't really afford a doctor right now, much less a tonsillectomy. If it comes down to actually getting these things out, it's going to be me, a bottle of vodka, a mirror, and a well-sterilized X-acto knife.[4]

SO. I've got a cold. That's all it is. I have been chewing vitamin C tablets, staying hydrated, taking sudafed for the stuffy nose, scouring netflix[5], googling phrases like "prosthetic tonsils" and "tonsils explode", and occasionally talking to myself, because the sudafed makes me mildly loopy, and because my voice is awesome when I'm sick. Seriously, if this turns into a chronic thing, I'm going to start narrating the trailers for suspense movies or something.

Oh, and posting to LJ.

[1]Fun Fact: Apparently I didn't know how to spell it 'til now. So this is a kind of learning experience.

[2]and seen the accompanying photographs; I've looked at so many close-ups of people saying "Ah" that my brain's started playing bits of Queen's "Bohemian Rhapsody" every time a new one pops up. If that doesn't make as much sense to you as it does to me, go take three doses of Sudafed and then you'll understand.

[3]I know that's a symptom associated with tonsillitis. I'm working on denial here.

[4]I'm joking. Obviously I'd use one of those little webcams, not a mirror. Yeesh.

[5]My current level of sentience means I've decided to watch the G.I Joe movie. That can't be a good sign.

(no subject)

Well, on the bright side, I heard from the army.

The downside of that? Turns out that Plan A flopped. Go to Plan B.


I don't really have a Plan B.

(no subject)

In which I make vague gestures in the direction of productivity...

vial3 fragment2 ammo

In other news, I'm still waiting to hear from the army. I can't decide whether a delay in a waiver is a good thing or a bad thing. The prolonged uncertainty is sure a treat, though. I'm jobhunting out here in Fremont, and filling the time downloading bootlegs of Night Court. Got most of season two and three so far. Go me.

(no subject)

-Still waiting to hear from the army. I hate waiting. Hate hate argh *headdesk* hate.

-We bought a glow-in-the-dark basketball. Which would seem to be a good idea. If it starts to get a little dark out, you can keep playing, right? Ha-ha, no! Because while you can see the ball, you can't see the backboard, rim, or after a certain point, each other. So "basketball" becomes a weird game of tag while everyone chases a ghostly, hovering sphere around, trying not to run into each other or the basketball pole. And even if you just play Horse, the only thing that tells you if it went in is the sound, or your opponent. Ever play Horse on the honor system? It gets deeply psychological.

-There are no other useful updates, because livejournal posts about cleaning are boring, and my art stuff is at a standstill. Waiting for the army's response has hit this huge "pause" button in my brain. Argh.

(no subject)

So the army thing's progressing. I'm working on getting a waiver for a disqualifier (bad eyesight), but hopefully if that gets cleared, then I'm good.

I did the full physical last tuesday. That was... surreal. This is a half-assed write-up, because I want to get it down before I forget it all, but I'm off-balance because the last trip there (last night / this morning) broke my sleep cycle.

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(no subject)

I just realized that the army, having offered me a job working with satellite communications technology, might do something of a doubletake at the number of jokes I've made about ruling the world with orbital lasers.

Let's hope they have a sense of humor about that kind of thing. Heh.